her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
