Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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