That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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