I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
