im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I would ride that face into the sunset
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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