Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
