I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
