I murdered the dance floor call the cops
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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