hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
