I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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