I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
