FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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