did you get engaged???
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
