i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
