Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
