The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
