you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
