you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
