who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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