matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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