1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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