need another drink. this is the easiest way
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
is wine microwaveable?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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