I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
