he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
