The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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