I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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