On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Boobs speak an international language.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
