My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
