I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
