When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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