My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
