Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize