Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
