I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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