that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
