to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
