a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I deserve this hangover.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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