Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
