Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
