Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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