Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
