Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize