And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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