If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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