I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
