I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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