Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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