well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
