Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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