wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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