my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
