my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
