i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
