I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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