I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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