i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
please don't ironically join a cult
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