Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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