She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
