do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
