By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
