I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
