i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
