Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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